How To Stop Over-Giving As a HSP

Over-giving is something that is especially common in highly sensitive leaders that I work with because they are empathetic, attuned to others needs, and they genuinely care and desire to help. 

However, sometimes that empathy and care that they have in spades leaves them over-giving and burning out.

You may have come to terms with the fact that consistently going over time on your client calls, blowing past your flimsy boundaries and allowing your work to eat into your personal time and time off is zapping you of your energy and making your heart-felt work much less enjoyable, but how do you go about changing it? 

Most people are aware that there needs to be some change to their actions in order for this pattern to change (better boundaries with their time, for example). 

Many are also aware that a change of mindset is required as well in order to implement those changes (knowing that their time is just as valuable as others, for example). 

The piece that I most often see missing that makes trying to make these changes stall is neglecting to integrate somatics and the nervous system into this work. 

Let me show you exactly what I mean in this scenario:

When I work with a client and we uncover patterns of over-giving that are draining their life-force and enjoyment of their work, I may start at the Story (the meaning) level:

-What do you fear may happen if you don’t over-give?

-What does over-giving give YOU?

-etc. 

Once we uncover some of the meaning and personal significance behind the over-giving pattern (let’s just say that they realize they over-give because they are afraid of how they will be perceived if they don’t)--

I then take it to the somatic level:

-What sensations come up in your body when you think about *not* over-giving?

-What might these sensations say if they had a voice to speak?

Very often giving space to the body takes the meaning a few layers deeper. 

Checking in with the body also reveals the physical sensations of discomfort that we have likely been using over-giving to avoid feeling—and until you can learn to *be with* those physical sensations of discomfort and make space for them, you will continue to reflexively and unconsciously over-give to numb or avoid these uncomfortable sensations. 

Often once we have done this, a part of ourselves that has been either trying to protect us from something or a part of ourselves that actually is currently not on board 100% with what we are saying we want (to stop over-giving) typically reveals itself. 

We then take time to *relate* to that part of you (not change or fix it). 

This means really seeing it, honoring it, validating and thanking it for all the ways it’s been trying to protect you. 

Then we dialogue with this part about what it needs for support and how you can partner with it. 

This is not a “formula”, and what surfaces for each person will be completely different because everyone has such a unique history, beliefs, etc. 

Whatever that part requested for support and ways to partner with it then becomes what you can do to support that part as you take active steps towards stopping over-giving. 

I make sure to break this down to steps that feel like a stretch but still do-able (which honors my clients current nervous system capacity) and teach them nervous system regulating tools to help them stay as regulated as possible as they are making these changes. 

Most people try to do way too much at once which causes a lot of dysregulation and makes you feel like you are fighting yourself (because all parts of you aren’t on board and you’ve sent your nervous system into a tailspin). 

As you can see, the added somatic and nervous system layers increase both the ease and effectiveness of this change.

Once you know how to support yourself in this way, you’ll never feel like you’re “holding yourself back” again. 

You’ll be able to have a strong and steady foundation of leadership in your business and make steady progress towards your goals. 

P.S.- Over-delivering is something entirely different than over-giving, yeah? I pride myself on over-delivering to my clients, and really enjoy it, in fact. What’s the difference between these two things feel like in your body?

If you’re ready to get some 1:1 somatic leadership coaching support to help you stop over-giving so that your business and life replenish you instead of exhaust you, learn more about how I can support you here.